My heart is Thankful...its amazing.

Over the last several weeks Ive been thinking back on the last year. Amazed at how time has flown by. And, amazed at the storms we've weathered.

In all {or I guess most} of our lives, we have rings of friends. There are those that are in your inner circle...your besties. The ones you do daily life with and your hearts are mended together in a special way. Than there is the ring of casual friends. Friends that tend to be at the same get togethers as you and you see often, but your hearts just arent as close as your inner circle. Than there are the very casual aquaintanaces that you would say hi to at the store, but you dont really know what's going on in their lives. And nowadays, you have your FB friends. People who you may not actually know, but is a friend-of-a-friend that you have since been connected to....and those who really arent your "friend," you just went to elementary school with them.

Atleast for me, those are my rings of friends. And, I am so THANKFUL for all of them. But I am most thankful for my inner circle. People who's heart are honestly mended to mine. The people I do daily life with. And for me, my inner circle stems from college, church, neighbors, and some randomly placed in my life from the Lord. Friendship has always been such a deep and profound thing to me....part of the reason why growing up, I didnt seem to have a lot of close friends. I think its something that comes with growing up. I, for whatever reason, 'developed' it early. Anyway, now...in my life....I have so many amazing friends I am undoubtedley THANKFUL for. My heary bursts with joy.

And yet....as I look back over the last year I cannot believe what we have had to weather {in our INNER circle. The people who's hearts are mended to mine.}

Death of a parent
Job loss
Cancer
Miscarraiges
Divorce
Questioning of faith

In one year! I look back at this year and Im stunned. Did we really just go through all of that? What a horendous year. I mean really. The tears that were cried. The hearts that were broken. The anger that formed. The fear that was festering.

And yet...I am truly THANKFUL. Not because I dont care about these people. I do. With all of my heart. My heart went through each of the trials along with them...becasue I love these people just like family. No, I am THANKFUL because through all of it....we had the Lord. That everytime we didnt understand why things were happening or we wondered if we would get through it, we could go and lay it at the foot of the cross. And, we did it together. I have an inner circle that does life together. Not just the good, but the horendous too. And I am amazed that after reminising the last year....my heart can truly find JOY. Not a forced joy, but a true JOY. Because despite all the hurdles that have been climbed....God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

The way I see it, this last year may have been a heavy one....but I have a feeling this is what life is going to be like. Life isnt easy. Sin is in the world. But knowing that I have a God to turn to every step of the way who is crying along with me...and friends who are going through life together with me....I can whole heartedly say that I AM THANKFUL.

Plus, my JOY comes from those same people who in the last year have expereinced:
New Jobs
Pregnancies
Renewed faith
Remission
Hope

Of course, Im undyinglying thankful for my smart, sweet, creative, polite, quirky, chatterbox little man and my devoted, hard working, kind hearted husband, too:)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Bucket 'O Genius

So Friday night we rented Wall-E and I cuddled up on the couch with my two guys. Yes, literally cuddled up all under one blanket...little blonde head on my chest and a strong man hand around my shoulder. Does life get better?

Anyway, Landon loved Wall-E. And, to be honest, so did Kirk and I. It was the sweetest little movie! Landon was begging to start it over again once it ended, but given that it was 8:45 we had to head him off to bed.

Since we have moved him into his toddler bed, our morning routine is a little different. i.e. I cant lay in bed the extra 20 minutes I sometimes need to wake up, listening to him singing "Oh Mama!" from his crib. Once I hear him up and playing around, or more likely pounding on the door saying "Hell-O??" I have to get my mommy butt out of bed and mosey on down. Saturday morning he must have entertained himself for a bit before letting his vocal chords free because when I opened the door he was sitting on the floor with this:

"See mama? Wall-E!"

Im not even kidding, he has never played with this toy before. He never really showed interest in it before. This is what it looked like, in a basket, when he went to bed.
His little brain bring so much joy to my heart as I watch it develop more and more. It gives me a.) pride and b.) fear for future science projects when he asks "Mama can you help me with this?" and in my head Ill be thinking "No, actually I cant. Lets call Auntie Lisa."

What in the world?

Ok so occasionally after a long season of the same type of shoots (ie family) Ill google images just to get some new inspiration.

This time I googled "Family Portraits."

This is not a joke. Its flipping hilarious, but no joke.

Unreal.

FREEDOM STONES

'Tis the season to STOP INJUSTICE! Freedom Stones is an organzation that is stepping in the gap and helping women, men, and children be freed from sex slavery. They are rescued from unfathomable circumstances and given the opportunity to have a career making this beautiful jewelry. Which, is than sold to raise money to... help more people be freed. I am so proud of my sister in law who is part of this orgnanization and who infact leaves THIS THURSDAY for her 3rd trip to Thailand at the heart of the injustice to bring CHRIST to these people.

Last month I went to Seattle to volunteer my time along with 5 other photographers to raise money for this same cause and I cannot tell you the joy I felt to be apart of it all. You can be apart of it to by purchasing one of these necklaces for yourself, or for a loved one for Christmas. They range from $12-$42 and are honestly BEAUTIFUL pieces. This year, give 2 gifts at once....a necklace to someone you know love and FREEDOM to a complete stranger.

I will be havin a "party" THURSDAY DEC.3rd from 6:30-8:00 if you would like to come buy and purchase one (or more!) of these pieces! Leave me your email in a comment and I can send you the invititation!

(My sis in law will be bringing the pieces with her when she comes for Thanksgiving and I will mail what doesnt sell back up to her the weekend following the party so feel free to contact me and stop by anytime inbetween if you cant make it that Thursday!)

WARNING: Polictial Post

Ok, so I dont ever make policital posts. Mostly because all of my opinions root from the same place; 'How would God feel?' So to make a political statement, it scares me at the chance of some fired up political guru to throw stats at me and he-said/she-said crap. Because my response? "Its what I believe Christ would want."

I definatly have opinions. For instance, logging. When I met Kirk and found out he was a logger I pictured Paul Bunyon. That's all my mind had ever thought about logging. I slowly learned that loggers were generally not liked and it seemingly came with a negative connotation. I wasnt the type to take on Kirk's side mearly because he was my boyfriend. If I didnt agree with it, I would tell him. And as the more time passed, I did form my own opinion. Luckily it was by education, not my gossip, stereotypes, and assumptions. I know now that logging is NOT raping the forests. I know that they replant after every harvest. That they leave specific trees for the birds and owls. Perfect brush for the streams. I know that this world would hardly function without wood products. I know that loggers, in general, care very much about the forests and their health. Probably even more than the enviromentalists standing on the corner picketing with signs (made of paper on a wood stick, mind you). So, in a few topics, I do have an opinion I guess. But still, Im not usually the one to start a discussion on it. But this topic I heard on the radio this morning...its a topic I WILL start a discussion on.

"Officials say that this year the white house will be putting up a Christmas tree, but no one is allowed to put any ornaments on it signifying religion. Specific ornaments depicting a manger scene with Jesus is what spurred discussion leading to the legal decision."

Are you kidding me right now? I think of the quote by Billy Grahams daughter. When asked by Bryant Gumbel why God didnt stop or intervene during a recent disaster she said,

"For years we have told God we didnt want him in our schools. We didnt want him in our government and we didnt want him in our finances and God was being a perfect gentleman did exactly what we asked Him to do. We need to make up our minds- do we want God or do we not want Him? We cannot just ask him to be there when disaster strikes."

Well, it looks like our president and government has listened to this lady. They have made up their minds; God or no God? They chose no God. Lord help us. Literally, Lord. Help your children survive what is going to become a hell we cant even fathom.

The beat goes on...sort of.

{Just as a pre-curser, you should know that as I sit here with my knee bouncing and my bottom lip bit....I am at a loss as to what to write here. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have so much. But God has told me to sit down and write, so here goes...}

I havent really posted anything since the intense few days following our recent experience. Its not that nothing has been laid on my heart to share or express, its because every day is something new and intense. The first week following the loss I was a heartbroken zombie. The reminder never left my mind. The tears were always on deck. Week two was a little better, I was at least functioning, but had to go into the doctor for a follow up from the procedure which brought me back to a dark place. {When I say dark place I don't mean gloomy and without light. I mean my eyes closed and tears falling. There is a difference I have learned.} I had sorrow...but it too passed and I began to function again. The last two weeks have been great. I don't have to remind myself each morning of the loss or feel stabbed at the site of a pregnant woman or newborn. I have accepted what has happened and seen so clearly, already, a purpose out of this. {Knowing full well that God will continue to reveal purposes of it over the years of my life.}

I have had a lot of people tell me that they are 'inspired' by my strength. My initial reaction, being one who doesn't take compliments well {uncomfortable}, I sort of reside from it. But what I know now is that YES, I do have strength! A strength that is incredible. A strength that has delivered me from this with joy. BUT YOU MUST KNOW, this strength is not my own. It is a strength the Lord has given me. A strength I have been able to grow in me over the years of my life because I have chosen to humble myself before the Lord. So if you see my strength as inspiring or encouraging...GREAT!!! But I will not allow that to be the end of it. Please please do not look at my strength with envy or awe...see it as a light. A light showing YOU TOO the way to the cross. My God has given me this strength, and he can give you that same strength {and hope, and joy, and laughter, and purpose, and perspective}.

There is one overlying 'theme' to what God has grown in my heart through this experience and that is that THIS WAS HARD! It was, no matter how much strength or perspective he may have blessed me with. This has been so hard. But if you have ever carried a child, you know the miracle in which it all is. When you walk around for 9 months watching your belly grow, when you FEEL that child moving inside of you, and than, after 9 months of feeling something squirming INSIDE of you...an actual flipping human being comes out of you. Breathing. Kicking. Crying. Looking. I may be able to take a photo or sew a blanket, but folks I cannot create a human! Are you kidding me? GOD makes those babies. He grows those babies, and in the end he gifts us and entrusts us with His children. The Lord is in control, even when its not all smiles and giggles and celebrating. This child I carried for 10 weeks was a gift. Not in the sense I imagined it to be, but a gift. And after all the years I spend here on earth, no matter the heartache or the failure or the emptiness...I have a baby waiting for me in heaven. This is incredible to me. I didn't LOSE that baby...it got postponed. It is a belated gift. You know those gifts you know are coming and the closer you get you get more and more excited? That is how I feel.

I know this may sound silly to some, but God speaks to us all differently. This is how he talks to me:
When I was 11 my uncle died. My only uncle. I was young, but old enough to know what death was and that he was gone and I mourned for him. Shortly after his death I had a dream. I saw my uncle in heaven and he was holding a little boy's hand. The boy was about 6 and he looked like me. There was not even a moment when I wondered who that was. It was my brother. 6 years prior my mother had lost a baby at 5 months pregnant. He was in heaven...and my uncle was this him, holding his hand. About 5 years later I lost my grandpa to cancer. Shortly after his death I had the same dream. My uncle, my little brother, and than also my grandpa. All standing there together. It was incredible. The same dream, and I had forgotten about the first one till than. It was such a gift from the Lord. Well....a few days after I lost our baby I had the dream again. My uncle, my little brother, my grandpa... and in his arms, my baby. I cant tell you the joy that fills my heart, through the tears even as I write this. I cant tell you how many times I have looked at Landon, broken hearted, because I KNOW how much my grandpa would have loved him. Ya, as a great grandson, but more than that. I see him in Landon and just this little spark that would have lighted up my grandpa in such a special way. It makes me so sad. Landon may not get to meet him, but my other baby is in safe arms until the day I get to meet it. God knows I need to feel loved and cared for right now, and he does it in the most intimate ways. I will be running into the arms of those boys someday.

So back to that overlying theme he has layed on my heart; This Hurts. It does. Its hard, it breaks me, and it scars me. But what fires in my heart more than anything else is this thought; 'Ill be damned if I am going to go through this for nothing!' God does not EVER put us through a struggle without a purpose. Its a common saying, "God has a purpose and a plan." Maybe its just me, but I always tend to look to the future for that purpose. But God's purpose INCLUDES what we are going through, not just what will play out from or come of it. Each struggle has a purpose and I am going to use mine in whatever way he intends. I WILL use this struggle for his purpose. Whether it be to encourage a stranger to hold onto hope. Whether it be to comfort a friend down the road who experiences a similar loss {heaven forbid}. All I know is that God needs to use this chapter of my life at some point and Ive got my ears up ready at all times. I thought, maybe I will be able to comfort and relate to my daughter someday, as my mom has to me. Or to Landon's wife, and Betsy has to me. All I know, is that this is now part of my story...and I find joy in that. It may be a hard chapter of my story, but it is what makes me relatable to others. Struggles are what break us to be able to relate to one anther, because we all struggle. Life is hard and having people to relate to makes i bearable. I PRAY that I can be somebody, someday, who can make life bearable for someone else.

When I knelt down and picked up my cross to follow Christ, I was freed from my sins. I was NOT freed from struggle and heartache and hurt. If we want to become more like Christ, we must embody ALL of who he is. And one of the greatest things about Christ was this death and suffering on the cross. So lest we forget that our call to follow Christ will bring us to our own cross time after time after time. The key is to make a purpose out of it. Christ's death on the cross had a HUGE purpose, and each of our sufferings does to. Can you imagine if Christ went through the pain for us, but for no purpose at all? Live your purpose. Endure your struggle. Because GOD has placed you there and is waiting to deliver you.

God's Promise to Me

I had one of the strangest experiences this morning. One that I will now NEVER forget.

Let me back up a bit. On Sunday a blogged about where I was at emotionally with the loss of our baby. This process has been unbelievable. What I had imagined this experience to ever feel like is maybe 10% of what it actually has been. It has been awful. Painful. Incredibly sad. Heart breaking. You get the point. One of the nurses at the hospital during my D&C said something to me that I have repeated to myself daily; "Allow yourself to feel every emotion that comes along. Dont push it aside because it feels ridiculous. Every feeling is valid right now and you need to grieve it all." So, grieve I have. Every aspect of this loss I have cried over and awknowledged. The hormones have made it that much harder to deal with, but I still have hope in my heart and I am greatful for that. One of the hardest things the last few days has been that EVERYwhere I look there is a newborn baby, or a pregnant women, or a sign that out of the corner of my eye looks like it says "pregnant." Its like just when I want to get it out of my mind, something reminds if of the whole thing. I had been praying through it, asking God to please let these things subside so that my heart can find rest. Than this morning happened.

I was online looking at toddler beds. My plan was to switch Landon into a toddler bed once we found out what this baby was and started putting the nursery together, just moving the crib into the new room. No new nursery, but Landon still needs to start his transition in the near future. Anyway, I google imaged 'toddler boy bedroom' to start to get some ideas. As I scrolled throught the pictures my heart sank. This image I was looking at seemed like the meanest thing anyone, especially the Lord, could do to me. It was so unbelievable I couldnt even cry. I had to laugh. The only words I could keep repeating were, "Are you freaking kidding me right now?!?!?!" I saved the image and email it to Kirk. I was beyond speechless. Why on earth would God allow something so heartless to come before my eyes?

My neighbor came over and I showed her the image. I watched tears fill her eyes as she spoke God's words to me, and I will never forget it. She said to me, "That is incredible. But it is NOT a reminder of what has happened. It is a PROMISE of what is to come. This is a promise from the Lord." My heart took a 180 and began to be filled with joy. She's right. God loves me. This image he brought before me isnt to hurt me, but to lift me up. And lift me up it has. I cant stop smiling.

I have NO idea who these people are, but it doesnt matter. I will FOREVER treasure this photo. You CANNOT tell me that God does not love each of us intimately. Because after seeing this photo, I will never forget how personally God loves me.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

Its hard to put into words the feelings on my heart right now. Friday we had our ultrasound at the doctor's office. He was unable to get a reading, but because my uterus was tilted so far, he sent us to the hospital where they have an angled TV u/s and would be able to get a better reading. It began setting in once we were driving to the hospital, even though nothing had been confirmed. We registered, waited, and were finally taken back my the tech who sped through the tummy u/s like he had done it million times before and was on robot mode. I did, however, see the screen as the straight line stretched across. He than told me to get a gown on so they could do the TV u/s. He must have read my face because he asked, 'Im sorry am I going too fast?' I told him no, with tears in my eyes, but asked if there was a heart beat. Empathy washed over his face as he walked over to me and said, 'Im not authorized to confirm or deny anything. But I will say that you were looking at the same screen that I was.' Knowing at this point our baby was gone, I still had to go through the uncomfortable TV u/s and listen to him click away. He took the results to the radiologist who came in a few minutes later, gave his 'I know this must be difficult for you' and preformed the exam again himself to confirm. He was the first one to actually say to us, 'Im sorry, but all three of us were not able to find a heartbeat.' So...we drove back to the doctor's office where the sorrowful faces of the ladies at the front desk only made it sink in even more. The doctor discussed our options and let us go home to digest them. 'Its not your fault.' 'These things happen.' 'This has no affect on future pregnancies.' We went to go get Landon and head home.

When I saw my parents I lost it. But when I saw my son I realized something; He is perfect for us. God placed this child so perfectly in our lives. And if I believe that he is perfect for us than I also believe that any other children he gives to us are just as intended for our family as Landon was. I want the children God intended for me, and no others. He knows what is perfect for us and I trust that completely. So as sad as I am to have lost this baby, I accept that it wasnt meant to be. I just wish so badly that this would have been our baby. I havent felt the feelings of 'What did I do? Did I cause this?" Maybe its because going through this with friends, Ive heard it so much I know that it just isnt so. Im thankful for that. I feel no guilt, I merely feel sadness. And its hard to think of how long it will be before I get to actually meet my next child. Everything in my mind revolved around having this baby. I was keeping my schedule busy until November when I would know if I was going to have another little boy, or a little girl. I was transferring my wardrobe, pulling out maternity items. I knew by Easter our family would be four. I was beginning to sort through closets to begin shifting stuff to make room. So to begin accepting that none of that is happening is just hard to adjust to. Knowing that it takes a few months for my body to even be able to carry another child...than the 9 months that come after that. Going through the sickness, and migraines, and exhuasting of the first trimester again. Its all just so heavy.

Having to go to the hospital the next day, get checked in, hop into a bed, put a gown on , get IVs, all of it was just so hard. My hormones were off the charts, I couldnt stop crying and shaking. Being put out for the D&C. It all seemed like so much hoopla when I just wanted to move on. I will honeslty say it was probably the the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But what doesnt break you makes you stronger, and I praise God for the strength he has grown in me.

And through it all, I find joy. I really do. Because I know that God is working his plan out in my life. Im not thrilled with the turn he has sent us on, but the end result will be perfect, so I will weather this storm and look at every detail to see God's purpose in it. I find joy in my friends who are now carrying children in their womb after a YEAR of struggle and heart ache. My heart BURSTS with joy. I know that they have weathered their storm and God has blessed them. This is their timing and I am so joyful for them. I thought this was our time too, but it just wasnt. I wish it was, because it seemed perfect. It was the timing we had planned perfectly for us. The age different between Landon and this child. I would get to be pregnant in the fall and winter, NOT the summer. It my mind, it was perfect. But that is what God is reminding me. He is in control, and I have to trust his plans and timing. No matter how perfect my plans may seem to be to me, if they arent God's plans...they are far from perfect.

I write this vulnerblity of my heart out of gratitude to all of you; the people who read my previous post and prayed for me. As much as my heart felt protective over sharing this information, I knew that having people pray was the best thing we could do. So I shared, and you prayed. So many people prayed. Which is again why Im joyful despite the pain. Because if so many people prayed for God's will to be done, I know that it was. And there is nothing better than living in God's will. I have the most loving and supportive husband whom I am eternally greatful for. We may fight and clash and struggle through life at times, but its experiences like this that you see each other's true charactor and love....and I wouldnt trade him for anything.

So, thank you all for your prayers. Continued prayer for healing and acceptance would be appreciated, but even more so I hope that this can touch your life in some way and remind you of God's love and to trust in the big picture. May it remind you, as it has for me, than God is in control and just when we think we can take the reigns, he WILL take them away from us. So trust in the Lord and he will show you a life you could never imagine possible. I know I am...and cant wait to see what that is.

Power of a Heartbeat

I found out I was pregnant on July 29th. On the 30th I called by OB and cancelled my annual exam scheduled for the next week and instead scheduled my first visit of y pregnancy. Appointment was made for August 28th- a month away. Those 4 weeks were draining. I was first and foremost longing for a doctor to actually confirm the results of my over the counter pee stick. But also, its a matter of seeing that little blob on the screen....and hearing the heartbeat. The source in which my child will take life from. What you dont want to hear is a heart beat that beats....stops....beats....stops. And even more so a doctor focusing intently at the screen while zooming and clicking.

Last Friday I was excited to get on and post a blog with ultrasound pictures, belly pic update, and joyful news about our first appointment. Instead, I was left wondering how much I should share with people before knowing if there was anything to share. When we went into the appointment they did the ultrasound. Baby was in there squirming and measured perfectly for the estimated due date. Growth...check! But when he switched over to hear the heart beat, things didnt sound quite right. The heart beat line with jump up and down a few times, than nothing. The look on the doctor's face is what made me ask, "Is it healthy?" Without noveling every word of our converstation, the consenses was that the baby's heart beat seemed to me irregular. It would beat and than stop, beat and than stop. There was the possibility that he just wasnt getting a clear reading. Or there is the possibility that something might be wrong. I was scheduled for a follow up ultrasound this Friday to double check things.

The first 36 hours:
I battled with emotions of fear, shock, confusion. I didnt know what to feel. If I knew there was something wrong I could start praying for that. But what if it was just an unclear reading? Than there's nothing to worry about. My mind didnt know what to think. And everytime I tried to just give it to God, I would find myself shutting off any feelings to this baby that had developed. That didnt feel right either. I really didnt know what to think or feel. The waiting game was impossible. I reacted how I always react to scary situations; I immediatly prayed to God and asked for clarity and acceptance whatever his will may be.

As I drove to church on Sunday I asked God directly and clearly; 'Please give me clarity and let my heart know what to feel.' I heard him say to me, "There is something wrong, but I can heal it. If you pray." For the second time this year God reminded me of something. I feel that to have an instinct to turn to God in troubling situations and ask for acceptance is a mature and sacrificial way to be. It seems honorable and not something everybody can do. So to me, I feel like I was doing what God wanted me to do. To trust him. But there is one key part that I always seem to overlook; GOD WANTS US TO PRAY FOR THE DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS. HE WANTS US TO ASK. Yes, ultimatly, God's will WILL prevail and I need to be able to accept that. But he doesnt want us to just roll over and accept whatever life throws at us. He wants us to pray to him, believing that he can make all things possible. Believing that despite the cirumstances he CAN make things right. We dont know for sure that he will, but if we dont come to him in prayer and ASK him to, we arent giving him FULL reign of the situation.

So, I prayed. Internally all morning. Between services I went into the prayer room at the church and had the sweetest older couple pray with me. A couple that I heard endless wonderful things about but never had the privledge of meeting myself. As soon as I knew it was them, I had a peace and comfort that Jesus was there and he would hear our prayers. I told them what God had told me and how I so often forget to ask for the desires of my hearts. So we prayed for healing on my child's heart. We prayed for abundant life. We prayed for Christ's intervention. It was a beautiful time that changed my spirit and gave me hope and a spirit to fight.

Ironically, later that evening I was talking to Betsy (mother-in-law) and told her about the couple in the prayer room, who in later converstion we had realized knew Bob and Betsy very well. Betsy told me that when she was pregnant with Kirk this couple was leading them in a bible study. Betsy had had some issues with Kirk's pregnancy and was asking for prayer and this man, the same man that prayed with me for the child in my womb, said this to her; "Betsy, God wants us to ask for the desires of our hearts. Its ok to do that." God is good!

So, even through all of this....it could have been a negative reading on the ultrasound. But none the less it has drawn me closer to the Lord....and closer to this child. I believe that God can heal any abnormalities in this child and I am putting my trust in him that he will. I would be so thankful to have your prayers as well.

Here is a picture of our baby.

Me, 8 weeks.

Adorable and Terrifying

ADORABLE:
I took my car in for an oil change last week and they said I needed a few filter changes and that a seal was broken on an axel...or something like that. Of course the hubby wasnt going to pay lump sums of money to have them fix something he could easily do himself. So, last night he worked on changing out my filters, a fog light thats been out for months, and checked for the broken seal.

I was so adorable to watch Landon out in the garage with daddy. You could see, clearly, how much his little spirit thrived on being in the garage working on the car with daddy. He's two. But it is built into him. I have a little toy tool bench I bought from Tracy when they moved to Peru and every time we are in the garage Landon goes right to it, gets his tools, and begins mimicking daddy...whatever he may be doing. It warms my heart to a level I cant even express. And its one of those things that allows me to see God so clearly. God's creation with a built in desire to follow daddy. Its that thing about having kids they always say brings a depth to your heart and an understanding of God you never know otherwise. After I snapped a few shots I went inside and left the boys to their 'guy time.' (Mainly because Landon was saying 'No mama! Go inside!' I took a hint.)



TERRIFYING:
After about 15 minutes of sitting in peace and quiet eating my delicious peach I hear Kirk's voice begin yelling 'NO NO NO NO NO!" Landon began screaming. I jumped from my chair but before I could make it to the garage Kirk came storming through yelling 'Call the poison control. Now!' I screamed at him to tell me what happened as he handed Landon to me and yelled for me to rinse his mouth out. I ran my screaming son to the sink and began scrubbing his tongue and lips with a washcloth splashing water into his mouth, all the while yelling at Kirk to tell me what happened. I cant help but smell the intense aroma of gasoline seaping from my son. Kirk gets on the phone immediatly with Poison Control and we begin walking through the steps; rinse and scrub his mouth out. Get him to suck on a popsicle or drink juice. Calm him down. Ask him if he hurts anywhere, look for blisters in his mouth, take him to the tub. Scrub him down, twice. Keep him up and monitor him. Look for sweating, coughing, diahrea, disorientation, etc. Watch him for the next 12 hours. Call 911 if any of these signs appear. Deep breath. Soon he was able to calm down and we gave him his double bath, wrapped him in pjs we could easily pull back and check for any signs while he sleeps, and sat him down on the couch while we watched Thomas. Except Kirk and I didnt watch Thomas. We couldnt take our eyes off our son. Finally when about 9:30 rolled around we read him a few books and put him to bed. Every hour we set our alarm and went to check on him.

Morning came and our little man seemed to survive without a glitch. But I will NEVER forget that moment of fear in my husband's eyes. My pillar of strength so vulnerable and afraid...porbably one of the worst feelings. My son so scared and crying for mommy while I scrub his mouth raw. I will say this...the chemical he got into was on the fourth shelf up in the garage, high enough months ago but not high enough now. May this be a reminder to ALL parents; LOCK UP ALL YOUR CHEMICALS OF ANY KIND. Dont put them up high. LOCK THEM UP. These kids will amaze us with their acrobatic skills of scouring even the highest places.

All is well today and I thank God on a deeper level than ever before for the safety and health of my child each day. Heck, Id have given the kid ice cream for breakfast if he'd asked:)

Calling all Mommies...x2

Ok, so you think your second time around would be like riding a bike. And although Im a whole 51/2 weeks into this, Im weirdly nervous. Maybe its because everything I read is reminding me how NOT to expect this pregnancy to be like my first. So my first question for all you Mommiesx2...

1.) When did you start showing? They say you show 'sooner' but how soon really? I think I remember starting to show around 10-12 weeks. How much sooner does it happen. (Also keeping in mind that my tummy wasnt totally flat to begin with, thanks to Landon!) lol

Luoto x4

4 years ago last week

Our journey began as two

Our life felt so complete
'Twas nothing we couldnt do.

2 years ago this month
Our number grew to three

The joy our hearts have felt
No more happier could we be.

But now there will be four
Our hearts have already grown

Our journey continues on
Greatest joys we've ever known.

Little boys love their Gwandpas:)

Landon got to spend some quality time with BOTH grandpas this weekend. He adores both of them (just like he adores his daddy!) He is definatly going to be a man's man:) Although...he is a sucker for the grandmas too!

The typical Grandpa Doug ice cream steal:) I learned as a kid to not let him near your bowl!

At work with Papa

Evidentally it was Froggy's birthday

For the record, he lined up the froggies himself. I tell ya, our son is the king of association. You see, these froggies were on the food table at his birtday party. I just threw them in the tub yesterday.

{Portland Children's Museum}

Today we went to the Portland Children's Museum. What a cool place! Im not kidding...Landon had so much fun! Everything was right up his alley and yet, I could see different aspects of it he would enjoy as he grew. This is definatly a place we will be going back to....frequently! It was really great to get to go with Bub (my grandma Barb) and spend the day with her. Thanks for the day Bub!


Here are a few photos from the day. Its not very easy to take photos of a child running from fun place to place non stop.

the "digger" room

the garden room

the stairs. Yep, just stairs. Every room we went to he just
wanted to climb the stairs. What can I say? Look at his little face.
He is so happy:)

Landon's Party

My Sweet, Sweet Baby Boy...Happy 2nd Birthday

Birthday

1 year old

2 years old

Today my son turns 2 years old. Its amazing how sentimental I can get at a mere 24 months. I can understand in a whole new way the look in my mom's eyes when I went to college, or the day I got married. If after 24 months I feel this much sentiment over my child...I can only imagine the years to come.

I wont go into the details of the day of his birth...that is old news. Landon at 2.....

*He is so very smart. In the beginning I would follow all the books and watch for milestones as he grew. It amazed me, though, that he would do something out of no where that was far surpassed what I was looking for. I remember how quickly he caught onto his colors. After only a few times of naming them out to him, he would be pointing everywhere we go, "See Red?" "See Blue?" Or when he was whining and whining for me to take the flash cards out of the box for him. After I told him 10 times that those were for when he was a little older, I finally caved and got them out to show him what they really were....On the first time through he got every number correct, and the color it was written in. I was floored.


*He loves to Rrroar and growl, Moo and Neigh, Quack and Back, Ribbit and Baaaa. He has known his animals since last year, so by this year he has them done perfect. He will see anything cow print, cheetah print, no matter how suttle it is and shouts from across the store..."Mama. See cow? Mooo!"

*He was always Mr. Independant. I could leave him to play by himself for long periods of time. He would play with his toys, figure things out. He was content. Lately, however, he wants to just be with me. He wants to sit on my lap, play with my hair, sing songs with me, tickle, jump, run. He looks up at me with a smile that just screams "I love you mommy." He still likes to sit with his toys and figure things out sometimes. We have said from early on that we think he is going to be an engineer.

*He has a huge vocabulary. Even the doctor was surprised at his visit a few months ago. He picks up words and remembers them almost immediatly. He is the KING of association. If he does something once, he expects the same thing every time. (He gets that from me!) We put him in time out once in a chair in the corner. 3 days later he sees the chair and says, "See time out?" Kirk took him to Wilco today and he walked in, looked around, and than looked at Kirk. "No chickens?" He was referring to the chickens that were there last fall. He only saw them there once.

*He is and always has been so obedient. When I tell him no, he stops. When we put him in a timeout, he sits perfectly still looking at the wall until you approach him. He rarely pushes them limit and when he does its usually with a smile and out of a playful and loving heart. Im not saying he is perfect my any means. He throws mild tantrums hear and there when he is tired, but if I get serious with him, he looks me right in the eye and listens. He has such a sensitive spirit though (he gets that from Kirk) that I have to be really careful about when to really go full force with him.


*He loves trucks and diggers and tractors and trains. All boy. Although, he still loves shoes too. Especially wearing Kirks around, or my high heels:) You can tell he just wants to be like us. He will wear our hats, our shoes, my bracelets, etc.

*He loves his family. He has all the relatives down perfect and says each name so well. He gets so excited to see everyone and recognizes where we are going almost immediatly depending on which way we turn from the house. He ADORES, beyond words to describe, his dada. And dada ADORES Landon. The relationship these two have makes my life worth while. There is nothing in the world that even matters when I see them together. It is what my life is all about.

*He has begun the potty training process. He asks to go to the potty, not yet really knowing what it means, but when he has to "go" he says, "Go potty?" and goes into the bathroom. I bought him a little potty so he can start the association. Whenever we "go" he sits on his potty next to us. Im hoping these are signs that potty training will be a natural process for him. (Here's hoping, right?)

*Lastly, I cant forget about those adorable curls. We just had the first real hair cut last week and most of the long whispy ones are gone for now, but its still got curls and wave going on. I was so nervous to think of what he would look like without his curls, but sure enough I still think he is adorable:) Hopefully those curls will stick with him his whole life:)

Over all, I am SO proud of my little man. Watching his brain work is the highlight of my life. Seeing him grow and seeing what a sensitive and loving heart he has just warms my heart. To me, he is perfect. Not in the flawless way, but in the fact that he is everything I ever imagined my child to be. I can stare at every angle of his little face and just take in his cuteness. He is adorable to me in a way that I cant even comprehend. Its amazing how God gifts us the perfect match.

Landon,
I love you deeper than my mind can even comprehend. You are my world and I am honored each day that God entrusted me with your heart, mind, and spirit. Each day I pray that he will mold me into the mother that you need to nurture, love, guide, and lead you to become the man of God he created you to be. These last 2 years have been heavenly and I simply adore you. Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet boy!

Love, Mama

Ninja Turtle Underwear and Papasans

My first boyfriend was in 1st grade. We dated until about 3rd grade. In fact, in 2nd grade on the way back from the dairy farm field trip he showed me his ninja turtle underwear on the bus. WE even kissed in the big tire (which is crazy because the top of it only goes to my hips now but I remember it being huge). I accidentally pushed him one day and he ran into a fence and chipped his tooth. What can I say? It was childhood love:) His name was Jacob and he is married now with a daughter. He is also a soldier, and the one I think of anytime something is said to remember our troops. So today, I say to Jacob, thank you. Thank you for fighting for our freedom.

I also think of Cory. Cory is my Pier 1 buddy. We worked there in high school together and this guy would always make me laugh. I remember countless times of waiting to go home after closing and falling asleep in the papasan chair. The manager at the time had a horrible time with math and would always screw up on the tills, keeping us there like 2 1/2 hours after closing. So we would fall asleep waiting for her. Either that or pretending to ride those ridiculous huge metal giraffes. Today, Cory is a soldier and another one I think of when remember the men and women fighting for our freedom. Cory, thank you.

I dont have any family or anyone closely or directly in my life serving in this war, but I do have old friends who I remember as children. They are grown men now who sacrifice themselves everyday for us. For America. Whether you agree with the politics going on or the people who are leading us, it doesnt change the fact that that these guys have decided that America and what we stand for is something worth fighting for. I for one, am entirely grateful and proud.

Happy 233rd Birthday America. May the efforts of these soldiers bring us many more years of freedom!

Family Pics

The one bad thing about being a photographer is that you are always behind the camera. Not that I mind most of the time, but I like to document or little family as we grow and change (mostly Landon but Kirk and I too.) Lucky us, we have close friends who also do photography. Thanks Jordan and Lianne!