Let me back up a bit. On Sunday a blogged about where I was at emotionally with the loss of our baby. This process has been unbelievable. What I had imagined this experience to ever feel like is maybe 10% of what it actually has been. It has been awful. Painful. Incredibly sad. Heart breaking. You get the point. One of the nurses at the hospital during my D&C said something to me that I have repeated to myself daily; "Allow yourself to feel every emotion that comes along. Dont push it aside because it feels ridiculous. Every feeling is valid right now and you need to grieve it all." So, grieve I have. Every aspect of this loss I have cried over and awknowledged. The hormones have made it that much harder to deal with, but I still have hope in my heart and I am greatful for that. One of the hardest things the last few days has been that EVERYwhere I look there is a newborn baby, or a pregnant women, or a sign that out of the corner of my eye looks like it says "pregnant." Its like just when I want to get it out of my mind, something reminds if of the whole thing. I had been praying through it, asking God to please let these things subside so that my heart can find rest. Than this morning happened.
I was online looking at toddler beds. My plan was to switch Landon into a toddler bed once we found out what this baby was and started putting the nursery together, just moving the crib into the new room. No new nursery, but Landon still needs to start his transition in the near future. Anyway, I google imaged 'toddler boy bedroom' to start to get some ideas. As I scrolled throught the pictures my heart sank. This image I was looking at seemed like the meanest thing anyone, especially the Lord, could do to me. It was so unbelievable I couldnt even cry. I had to laugh. The only words I could keep repeating were, "Are you freaking kidding me right now?!?!?!" I saved the image and email it to Kirk. I was beyond speechless. Why on earth would God allow something so heartless to come before my eyes?
My neighbor came over and I showed her the image. I watched tears fill her eyes as she spoke God's words to me, and I will never forget it. She said to me, "That is incredible. But it is NOT a reminder of what has happened. It is a PROMISE of what is to come. This is a promise from the Lord." My heart took a 180 and began to be filled with joy. She's right. God loves me. This image he brought before me isnt to hurt me, but to lift me up. And lift me up it has. I cant stop smiling.
I have NO idea who these people are, but it doesnt matter. I will FOREVER treasure this photo. You CANNOT tell me that God does not love each of us intimately. Because after seeing this photo, I will never forget how personally God loves me.
3 comments:
WOW! :)
That looks so much like Landon. That's the first thing I thought when the picture caught my eye, before I finished reading; I just assumed it was him. Have hope, friend! Grieve, and have hope.
Jenna-
Sorry I have not responded thus far. I think the emotions for me are to close and raw. I have been there twice within the last year and it's awful. I love Gods promises and your heart cry to God. He is good and always there.
From your earlier post - sometimes the things like putting maternity clothes away, realizing you have to go through the 1st trimester again, dreaming about Landon transitioning to a big boy bed because little sibling is coming, and feeling energy again - are sad reminders. Even though the last one is nice. It's those normal everyday things that seem to be the hardest.
I've been praying for you lots. The nurse was a wise woman!
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
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