I found out I was pregnant on July 29th. On the 30th I called by OB and cancelled my annual exam scheduled for the next week and instead scheduled my first visit of y pregnancy. Appointment was made for August 28th- a month away. Those 4 weeks were draining. I was first and foremost longing for a doctor to actually confirm the results of my over the counter pee stick. But also, its a matter of seeing that little blob on the screen....and hearing the heartbeat. The source in which my child will take life from. What you dont want to hear is a heart beat that beats....stops....beats....stops. And even more so a doctor focusing intently at the screen while zooming and clicking.
Last Friday I was excited to get on and post a blog with ultrasound pictures, belly pic update, and joyful news about our first appointment. Instead, I was left wondering how much I should share with people before knowing if there was anything to share. When we went into the appointment they did the ultrasound. Baby was in there squirming and measured perfectly for the estimated due date. Growth...check! But when he switched over to hear the heart beat, things didnt sound quite right. The heart beat line with jump up and down a few times, than nothing. The look on the doctor's face is what made me ask, "Is it healthy?" Without noveling every word of our converstation, the consenses was that the baby's heart beat seemed to me irregular. It would beat and than stop, beat and than stop. There was the possibility that he just wasnt getting a clear reading. Or there is the possibility that something might be wrong. I was scheduled for a follow up ultrasound this Friday to double check things.
The first 36 hours:
I battled with emotions of fear, shock, confusion. I didnt know what to feel. If I knew there was something wrong I could start praying for that. But what if it was just an unclear reading? Than there's nothing to worry about. My mind didnt know what to think. And everytime I tried to just give it to God, I would find myself shutting off any feelings to this baby that had developed. That didnt feel right either. I really didnt know what to think or feel. The waiting game was impossible. I reacted how I always react to scary situations; I immediatly prayed to God and asked for clarity and acceptance whatever his will may be.
As I drove to church on Sunday I asked God directly and clearly; 'Please give me clarity and let my heart know what to feel.' I heard him say to me, "There is something wrong, but I can heal it. If you pray." For the second time this year God reminded me of something. I feel that to have an instinct to turn to God in troubling situations and ask for acceptance is a mature and sacrificial way to be. It seems honorable and not something everybody can do. So to me, I feel like I was doing what God wanted me to do. To trust him. But there is one key part that I always seem to overlook; GOD WANTS US TO PRAY FOR THE DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS. HE WANTS US TO ASK. Yes, ultimatly, God's will WILL prevail and I need to be able to accept that. But he doesnt want us to just roll over and accept whatever life throws at us. He wants us to pray to him, believing that he can make all things possible. Believing that despite the cirumstances he CAN make things right. We dont know for sure that he will, but if we dont come to him in prayer and ASK him to, we arent giving him FULL reign of the situation.
So, I prayed. Internally all morning. Between services I went into the prayer room at the church and had the sweetest older couple pray with me. A couple that I heard endless wonderful things about but never had the privledge of meeting myself. As soon as I knew it was them, I had a peace and comfort that Jesus was there and he would hear our prayers. I told them what God had told me and how I so often forget to ask for the desires of my hearts. So we prayed for healing on my child's heart. We prayed for abundant life. We prayed for Christ's intervention. It was a beautiful time that changed my spirit and gave me hope and a spirit to fight.
Ironically, later that evening I was talking to Betsy (mother-in-law) and told her about the couple in the prayer room, who in later converstion we had realized knew Bob and Betsy very well. Betsy told me that when she was pregnant with Kirk this couple was leading them in a bible study. Betsy had had some issues with Kirk's pregnancy and was asking for prayer and this man, the same man that prayed with me for the child in my womb, said this to her; "Betsy, God wants us to ask for the desires of our hearts. Its ok to do that." God is good!
So, even through all of this....it could have been a negative reading on the ultrasound. But none the less it has drawn me closer to the Lord....and closer to this child. I believe that God can heal any abnormalities in this child and I am putting my trust in him that he will. I would be so thankful to have your prayers as well.
Here is a picture of our baby.
