The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

Its hard to put into words the feelings on my heart right now. Friday we had our ultrasound at the doctor's office. He was unable to get a reading, but because my uterus was tilted so far, he sent us to the hospital where they have an angled TV u/s and would be able to get a better reading. It began setting in once we were driving to the hospital, even though nothing had been confirmed. We registered, waited, and were finally taken back my the tech who sped through the tummy u/s like he had done it million times before and was on robot mode. I did, however, see the screen as the straight line stretched across. He than told me to get a gown on so they could do the TV u/s. He must have read my face because he asked, 'Im sorry am I going too fast?' I told him no, with tears in my eyes, but asked if there was a heart beat. Empathy washed over his face as he walked over to me and said, 'Im not authorized to confirm or deny anything. But I will say that you were looking at the same screen that I was.' Knowing at this point our baby was gone, I still had to go through the uncomfortable TV u/s and listen to him click away. He took the results to the radiologist who came in a few minutes later, gave his 'I know this must be difficult for you' and preformed the exam again himself to confirm. He was the first one to actually say to us, 'Im sorry, but all three of us were not able to find a heartbeat.' So...we drove back to the doctor's office where the sorrowful faces of the ladies at the front desk only made it sink in even more. The doctor discussed our options and let us go home to digest them. 'Its not your fault.' 'These things happen.' 'This has no affect on future pregnancies.' We went to go get Landon and head home.

When I saw my parents I lost it. But when I saw my son I realized something; He is perfect for us. God placed this child so perfectly in our lives. And if I believe that he is perfect for us than I also believe that any other children he gives to us are just as intended for our family as Landon was. I want the children God intended for me, and no others. He knows what is perfect for us and I trust that completely. So as sad as I am to have lost this baby, I accept that it wasnt meant to be. I just wish so badly that this would have been our baby. I havent felt the feelings of 'What did I do? Did I cause this?" Maybe its because going through this with friends, Ive heard it so much I know that it just isnt so. Im thankful for that. I feel no guilt, I merely feel sadness. And its hard to think of how long it will be before I get to actually meet my next child. Everything in my mind revolved around having this baby. I was keeping my schedule busy until November when I would know if I was going to have another little boy, or a little girl. I was transferring my wardrobe, pulling out maternity items. I knew by Easter our family would be four. I was beginning to sort through closets to begin shifting stuff to make room. So to begin accepting that none of that is happening is just hard to adjust to. Knowing that it takes a few months for my body to even be able to carry another child...than the 9 months that come after that. Going through the sickness, and migraines, and exhuasting of the first trimester again. Its all just so heavy.

Having to go to the hospital the next day, get checked in, hop into a bed, put a gown on , get IVs, all of it was just so hard. My hormones were off the charts, I couldnt stop crying and shaking. Being put out for the D&C. It all seemed like so much hoopla when I just wanted to move on. I will honeslty say it was probably the the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But what doesnt break you makes you stronger, and I praise God for the strength he has grown in me.

And through it all, I find joy. I really do. Because I know that God is working his plan out in my life. Im not thrilled with the turn he has sent us on, but the end result will be perfect, so I will weather this storm and look at every detail to see God's purpose in it. I find joy in my friends who are now carrying children in their womb after a YEAR of struggle and heart ache. My heart BURSTS with joy. I know that they have weathered their storm and God has blessed them. This is their timing and I am so joyful for them. I thought this was our time too, but it just wasnt. I wish it was, because it seemed perfect. It was the timing we had planned perfectly for us. The age different between Landon and this child. I would get to be pregnant in the fall and winter, NOT the summer. It my mind, it was perfect. But that is what God is reminding me. He is in control, and I have to trust his plans and timing. No matter how perfect my plans may seem to be to me, if they arent God's plans...they are far from perfect.

I write this vulnerblity of my heart out of gratitude to all of you; the people who read my previous post and prayed for me. As much as my heart felt protective over sharing this information, I knew that having people pray was the best thing we could do. So I shared, and you prayed. So many people prayed. Which is again why Im joyful despite the pain. Because if so many people prayed for God's will to be done, I know that it was. And there is nothing better than living in God's will. I have the most loving and supportive husband whom I am eternally greatful for. We may fight and clash and struggle through life at times, but its experiences like this that you see each other's true charactor and love....and I wouldnt trade him for anything.

So, thank you all for your prayers. Continued prayer for healing and acceptance would be appreciated, but even more so I hope that this can touch your life in some way and remind you of God's love and to trust in the big picture. May it remind you, as it has for me, than God is in control and just when we think we can take the reigns, he WILL take them away from us. So trust in the Lord and he will show you a life you could never imagine possible. I know I am...and cant wait to see what that is.

Power of a Heartbeat

I found out I was pregnant on July 29th. On the 30th I called by OB and cancelled my annual exam scheduled for the next week and instead scheduled my first visit of y pregnancy. Appointment was made for August 28th- a month away. Those 4 weeks were draining. I was first and foremost longing for a doctor to actually confirm the results of my over the counter pee stick. But also, its a matter of seeing that little blob on the screen....and hearing the heartbeat. The source in which my child will take life from. What you dont want to hear is a heart beat that beats....stops....beats....stops. And even more so a doctor focusing intently at the screen while zooming and clicking.

Last Friday I was excited to get on and post a blog with ultrasound pictures, belly pic update, and joyful news about our first appointment. Instead, I was left wondering how much I should share with people before knowing if there was anything to share. When we went into the appointment they did the ultrasound. Baby was in there squirming and measured perfectly for the estimated due date. Growth...check! But when he switched over to hear the heart beat, things didnt sound quite right. The heart beat line with jump up and down a few times, than nothing. The look on the doctor's face is what made me ask, "Is it healthy?" Without noveling every word of our converstation, the consenses was that the baby's heart beat seemed to me irregular. It would beat and than stop, beat and than stop. There was the possibility that he just wasnt getting a clear reading. Or there is the possibility that something might be wrong. I was scheduled for a follow up ultrasound this Friday to double check things.

The first 36 hours:
I battled with emotions of fear, shock, confusion. I didnt know what to feel. If I knew there was something wrong I could start praying for that. But what if it was just an unclear reading? Than there's nothing to worry about. My mind didnt know what to think. And everytime I tried to just give it to God, I would find myself shutting off any feelings to this baby that had developed. That didnt feel right either. I really didnt know what to think or feel. The waiting game was impossible. I reacted how I always react to scary situations; I immediatly prayed to God and asked for clarity and acceptance whatever his will may be.

As I drove to church on Sunday I asked God directly and clearly; 'Please give me clarity and let my heart know what to feel.' I heard him say to me, "There is something wrong, but I can heal it. If you pray." For the second time this year God reminded me of something. I feel that to have an instinct to turn to God in troubling situations and ask for acceptance is a mature and sacrificial way to be. It seems honorable and not something everybody can do. So to me, I feel like I was doing what God wanted me to do. To trust him. But there is one key part that I always seem to overlook; GOD WANTS US TO PRAY FOR THE DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS. HE WANTS US TO ASK. Yes, ultimatly, God's will WILL prevail and I need to be able to accept that. But he doesnt want us to just roll over and accept whatever life throws at us. He wants us to pray to him, believing that he can make all things possible. Believing that despite the cirumstances he CAN make things right. We dont know for sure that he will, but if we dont come to him in prayer and ASK him to, we arent giving him FULL reign of the situation.

So, I prayed. Internally all morning. Between services I went into the prayer room at the church and had the sweetest older couple pray with me. A couple that I heard endless wonderful things about but never had the privledge of meeting myself. As soon as I knew it was them, I had a peace and comfort that Jesus was there and he would hear our prayers. I told them what God had told me and how I so often forget to ask for the desires of my hearts. So we prayed for healing on my child's heart. We prayed for abundant life. We prayed for Christ's intervention. It was a beautiful time that changed my spirit and gave me hope and a spirit to fight.

Ironically, later that evening I was talking to Betsy (mother-in-law) and told her about the couple in the prayer room, who in later converstion we had realized knew Bob and Betsy very well. Betsy told me that when she was pregnant with Kirk this couple was leading them in a bible study. Betsy had had some issues with Kirk's pregnancy and was asking for prayer and this man, the same man that prayed with me for the child in my womb, said this to her; "Betsy, God wants us to ask for the desires of our hearts. Its ok to do that." God is good!

So, even through all of this....it could have been a negative reading on the ultrasound. But none the less it has drawn me closer to the Lord....and closer to this child. I believe that God can heal any abnormalities in this child and I am putting my trust in him that he will. I would be so thankful to have your prayers as well.

Here is a picture of our baby.

Me, 8 weeks.

Adorable and Terrifying

ADORABLE:
I took my car in for an oil change last week and they said I needed a few filter changes and that a seal was broken on an axel...or something like that. Of course the hubby wasnt going to pay lump sums of money to have them fix something he could easily do himself. So, last night he worked on changing out my filters, a fog light thats been out for months, and checked for the broken seal.

I was so adorable to watch Landon out in the garage with daddy. You could see, clearly, how much his little spirit thrived on being in the garage working on the car with daddy. He's two. But it is built into him. I have a little toy tool bench I bought from Tracy when they moved to Peru and every time we are in the garage Landon goes right to it, gets his tools, and begins mimicking daddy...whatever he may be doing. It warms my heart to a level I cant even express. And its one of those things that allows me to see God so clearly. God's creation with a built in desire to follow daddy. Its that thing about having kids they always say brings a depth to your heart and an understanding of God you never know otherwise. After I snapped a few shots I went inside and left the boys to their 'guy time.' (Mainly because Landon was saying 'No mama! Go inside!' I took a hint.)



TERRIFYING:
After about 15 minutes of sitting in peace and quiet eating my delicious peach I hear Kirk's voice begin yelling 'NO NO NO NO NO!" Landon began screaming. I jumped from my chair but before I could make it to the garage Kirk came storming through yelling 'Call the poison control. Now!' I screamed at him to tell me what happened as he handed Landon to me and yelled for me to rinse his mouth out. I ran my screaming son to the sink and began scrubbing his tongue and lips with a washcloth splashing water into his mouth, all the while yelling at Kirk to tell me what happened. I cant help but smell the intense aroma of gasoline seaping from my son. Kirk gets on the phone immediatly with Poison Control and we begin walking through the steps; rinse and scrub his mouth out. Get him to suck on a popsicle or drink juice. Calm him down. Ask him if he hurts anywhere, look for blisters in his mouth, take him to the tub. Scrub him down, twice. Keep him up and monitor him. Look for sweating, coughing, diahrea, disorientation, etc. Watch him for the next 12 hours. Call 911 if any of these signs appear. Deep breath. Soon he was able to calm down and we gave him his double bath, wrapped him in pjs we could easily pull back and check for any signs while he sleeps, and sat him down on the couch while we watched Thomas. Except Kirk and I didnt watch Thomas. We couldnt take our eyes off our son. Finally when about 9:30 rolled around we read him a few books and put him to bed. Every hour we set our alarm and went to check on him.

Morning came and our little man seemed to survive without a glitch. But I will NEVER forget that moment of fear in my husband's eyes. My pillar of strength so vulnerable and afraid...porbably one of the worst feelings. My son so scared and crying for mommy while I scrub his mouth raw. I will say this...the chemical he got into was on the fourth shelf up in the garage, high enough months ago but not high enough now. May this be a reminder to ALL parents; LOCK UP ALL YOUR CHEMICALS OF ANY KIND. Dont put them up high. LOCK THEM UP. These kids will amaze us with their acrobatic skills of scouring even the highest places.

All is well today and I thank God on a deeper level than ever before for the safety and health of my child each day. Heck, Id have given the kid ice cream for breakfast if he'd asked:)

Calling all Mommies...x2

Ok, so you think your second time around would be like riding a bike. And although Im a whole 51/2 weeks into this, Im weirdly nervous. Maybe its because everything I read is reminding me how NOT to expect this pregnancy to be like my first. So my first question for all you Mommiesx2...

1.) When did you start showing? They say you show 'sooner' but how soon really? I think I remember starting to show around 10-12 weeks. How much sooner does it happen. (Also keeping in mind that my tummy wasnt totally flat to begin with, thanks to Landon!) lol